Category: Funny Stuff

Proud to be old.
According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 60’s, 70’s and early 80’s probably shouldn’t have survived, because :
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint
which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent ‘clackers’ on our wheels. (I think you will find they were known as spokey dokeys – some old git wrote this)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags
riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it
tasted the same.
We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar
in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and
no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as
we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends we went
outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really
hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but there were no
lawsuits.
We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other
parents.
We played knock-down-ginger and were afraid of the owners catching us.
We walked to friend’s homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn’t rely on mummy
or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
how to deal with it all.
And you’re one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren’t old enough, thought you might like to read about us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening……and it might put a
smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983……..They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and
the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.
They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda
Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
AIDS has existed since they were born.
CD’s have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can’t
imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie’s Angels and Mission Impossible are Films
from last year.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They’ll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the
Famous Five.
They’ll never have applied to be on Jim’ll Fix It or Why Don’t You.
They can’t believe a black and white television ever existed and don’t even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.
And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a
mobile phone.
Now let’s check if we’re getting old…
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night
out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably
with computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time
around.
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good
old days, repeating again all the funny stories you have experienced
together.
8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some
other friends because you think they will like it too…
Yes, you’re getting older!!!!

Steve Ballmer “Sells” Windowsa 1.0
Download and enjoy

A British Airway’s passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers:
“Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic-looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over the roar of those big engines, sweetie – could you please put up your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one.”
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,”Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, bitch!”

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant
noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said,” You ! may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch
any of the buttons on the wall.” He did what he needed to, and as he sat
there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was
identified by letters:
WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn’t resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon
his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have
nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed
the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a
fragilescent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies
restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the
powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button
which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.
A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
“What happened?” he exclaimed. “You pushed one too many buttons,” replied
the nurse.
“The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis
is under your pillow.”

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to
him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he Had
sex.
“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, “Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and laid down on
the ground.
“Here” she said, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer, and then gave her mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed:
“What did you do that for?”
Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”

i’m in love… with a cake… an Italian Cake…sooo…mmmmm… nice
The cake is called “Gran Baba with Rum Panettone” and is made by a company called Maina.

Well i’ve started my DVD shopping for this year with the following films
Ichi The Killer (Anime)
Ghost In The Shell (Special Edition)
Johnny English
Red Dwarf – Complete Series 1 (2 Discs)
Red Dwarf – Complete Series 2 (2 Discs)
Red Dwarf – Complete Series 3 (2 Discs)
Red Dwarf – Complete Series 4 (2 Discs)
Thirteen Ghosts

1. Know anything about a car, other than its colour
2. Understand a film plot
3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message
4. Build a shed
5. Throw
6. Run
7. Park
8. Fart
9. Read a map
10. Rob a bank
11. Resist Ikea
12. Sit still
13. Tell a joke
14. Play pool
15. Pay for dinner
16. Eat a kebab while walking
17. Pee out a train window
18. Argue without shouting
19. Get told off without crying
20. Understand fruit machines
21. Walk past a shoe shop
22. Make a decent bacon sandwich
23. Not comment on a stranger’s clothes
24. Use small amounts of toilet paper
25. Let you sleep while you have a hangover
26. Drink a pint gracefully
27. Get in a round
28. Throw a punch
29. Do magic
30. Like your friends
31. Enjoy porn
32. Admit that men are better drivers
33. Eat a phal curry
34. Get to the point
35. Buy plain envelopes
36. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
37. Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying, “I’m cold”
38. Go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
39. Avoid credit card debt
40. Dive into a pool
41. Assemble furniture
42. Form a rock group
43. Set a video recorder
44. Not try and change you
45. Watch a war film
46. Understand why flirting results in violence
47. Spend a day by themselves
48. Go to the toilet by themselves
49. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket
50. Choose a video quickly