Category: Funny Stuff

I decided that tonight was the night that I caught up on a old film that I bought a few years ago but never got round to watching it, and that was Kill Bill.
The film is totally mental, it really took me by surprise with it’s mix of languages, the use of black & white footage and the mix of anime with real actors, for me it was one of those films that made me want to watch the second movie but due to how late it is I think that I’ll watch Kill Bill part two tomorrow evening.

I’ve heard a few horror stories about Apple Mac’s but this one made me laugh

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dinning room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?”
“Yes, I remember.” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues…”Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today.”

I have a nasty sore throat, hot & cold flushed, dizzyness, can’t concentrate and I went to work rather than going home to bed.

An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the
4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again you thick twat!!”

A guy & a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes….how did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, how did you figure that out?”
And she says
“I Didn’t feel a thing!”

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…
“What the hell was I thinking?”
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
I’ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I’ve changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?
I’m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.
So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it’s really good pay.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog’s point of view….
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Let’s go and play Frisbee, then I can gaze into your eyes and tell you how much I looooove you being my best friend…..
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can’t reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I’ll blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this hangover
and……….
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
GREYHOUND: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle, monitor the perimeter to ensure no one got in or out while it was dark….
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here, a gentle massage and some dinner?

Click on the image for a larger version